WHEN A LOVED ONE IS MISSING

Ambiguous loss refers to the experience of losing a loved one without closure. In the case of missing persons, ambiguous loss means that a loved one is physically absent but

psychologically present.

Most people have had the experience of an amber alert flash across their phone. In these

experiences, it is always hoped that the alert will be cancelled and the missing chid be located.

We may also watch news reports of people going missing with the same hope of them returning.

There have also been countless historic cases that have gone without any amber alerts or media attention, which are of equal significance.

With there being such a range in the realities of having a loved one going missing, it is

imperative to note that everyone’s experiences of ambiguous loss are unique and equally

important. The timeframes related to the person missing can also play a role in how ambiguous loss is felt. Some people may relate to the feeling that life becomes frozen in time. This can also mean that grief and loss journeys feel frozen or stuck. Feelings of hope may wax and wane as time passes, which may be difficult to communicate to others who are not navigating the same experience. When a loved one is missing, the grief and loss experienced can also be described as disenfranchised grief, which is when grief is not recognized by others the same way as traditional grief. Disenfranchised grief can increase feelings of loneliness and isolation.

If you or someone you know is navigating life while a loved one is missing, it can be beneficial to reach out for the professional support of someone who has experience in complex grief.

Through research completed at the University of Minnesota, Dr. Pauline Boss highlighted that there are several areas that professionals can help target in supporting families of the missing:

1. Finding Meaning: This process includes getting to a place where you understand the

experience of loss. Learning about ambiguous loss can be a first step.

2. Adjusting Mastery: Mastery includes finding ways to have control over aspects of a

person’s life. When a loved one is missing, loss of control is common. It can be helpful to

look at aspects of a person’s life where they can take control back.

3. Reconstructing Identity: Working through questions such as “who am I now?” highlight the fact that a part of you changes when a loved one goes missing.

4. Normalizing Ambivalence: Conflicting emotions can be part of ambiguous loss, and a

professional can help normalize this experience.

5. Revising Attachment: This area can help encourage people to continue having an

internal relationship with their loved one who is missing.

6. Discovering New Hope: It is important to discover new hope that may be in addition to

the hope they have of finding their loved one.

Building awareness of how people experience ambiguous loss when a loved one is missing, can be a powerful way to increase understanding in our society.

Submitted by: Walking Through Grief Society

Funded by FCSS; City of Lloydminster, Towns of Vermilion and Wainwright, Village of Kitscoty, and County of Vermilion River.