How would you speak to a friend going through a difficult time? Now, think about how you speak to yourself going through a difficult time? Perhaps there is a difference in the tone of voice and level compassion in the way you speak to your friend when compared with your internal conversations. This example is commonly used to explore the topic of self-compassion.
Dr. Kristin Neff is known as being a pioneer in self-compassion. She explains self-compassion
in the following way: “Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various
inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?”
Adopting a self-compassionate lens when navigating your journey through grief can help to
ease levels of stress and give yourself a much needed break.
There are three main elements of self-compassion. The first is self-kindness vs. self-judgement.
Dr. Neff discusses the need to approach ourselves during times of suffering in a way that is
warm and helpful instead of cold and harsh. By creating inner support, we are better able to
cope with challenges. There are many challenges that come up throughout the grieving
process, so practicing self-kindness and speaking to ourselves in a supportive way can help
remind us that we are doing the best we can with a difficult situation.
The second element of self-compassion is common humanity vs. isolation. Dr. Neff explains that when humans suffer, there is a tendency to feel like we are the only person in the world who is going through the difficult experience. In reality, everyone must move through various
challenges and everyone experiences suffering in one way or another. Rather than isolate
ourselves, we need to remind ourselves that the human experience of suffering is shared by
others. This aligns well with many tips for grieving that relate to connecting with safe supports.
The third element of self-compassion is mindfulness vs. over-identification. Dr. Neff describes
the need to take a balanced and mindful approach to suffering. It is not helpful to suppress or ignore our suffering or put too much emphasis on it. If we try to step outside of our experience and view it like a close friend would, then we can find a new perspective. Using mindfulness throughout the grieving process can allow us to turn towards our pain and accept it, while preventing ourselves from “over-identifying” with difficult thoughts and feelings associated with grief.
To learn more about self-compassion, you may find it helpful to visit Dr. Neff’s website:
Submitted by: Walking Through Grief Society
Funded by FCSS; City of Lloydminster, Towns of Vermilion and Wainwright, Villages of Kitscoty and Marwayne and County of Vermilion River.
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