“If Only”, the griever’s words that often-become part of a conversation. When life seems out of our control, often we replay the trauma story over and over trying to make sense and gain back control. Often this is when our guilt rises along with anger and disappointments, at ourselves and at others.
”Regrets” also become part of the “if Only” journey through our grief. The Dictionary’s explanation for “regrets” states: “Sorrow aroused by circumstances beyond one’ s control.” A time of reflection about the time that we; didn’t spend as much time as we should have or things, we wish we would have said or not said. Dreams cut short of what we were going to do with our loved one and letting them know we loved them. The old comfort used is that we didn’t have 2020 vision to know then what we now know of how the story would end. Be emotionally gentle with yourself. You did the best you knew how with the information you had at the time.
Another use of the “if” word is “what if”, another conversation, often with the voice of anxiety and fear. When we have tragedy and life changes, we have lost trust in the “Assumptive World”. When the worst has happened, it causes one to look over their shoulder and what might happen next. “What if”’ is the abstract of reality that creates anxiety, fear, nervousness and edginess. The question is real to those impacted by loss there seems a need to process the question, address what we are anxious about and pinpoint the cause of the anxiety. Look at what is fact and what is fiction. 98% of what we worry about won’t happen. Now in a very anxious world where we have many “what ifs”, it is good to do a reality check. Is our thinking fact or fiction. Use calming exercises and music, to deal with anxiousness, talk with trusted friends about your feelings and see a counsellor if the condition persists.
Just when we look at how unfair and unjust life can be, life still offers us a choice. Choose wisely.
In the times we are facing with so much uncertainty and loss of the sense of “normal”. There is fear and indeed “grief” of the loss of what we knew as normal (life change). During the Pandemic we are in please follow the guidelines of those in authority as closely as possible and take care of yourself; emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. If we reach out to each other we will be strong together. One wheat stock is easily broken but stocks bonded together are very hard to be broken. We can now be those wheat straws bonded together, doing what is right for each other. Remember in the isolation we can still call, text, use social media to stay connected. If you need to chat we are available.
Shirley at 780-856-2576/c 780-871-1750, Karen at 780-806-3234 or Lynda at 780-853-1818.
Submitted by Shirley L Scott for Walking Through Grief Society.
Funding support: FCSS City of Lloydminster, Town of Vermilion and Wainwright, Villages of Kitscoty and Marwayne and County of Vermilion River, and personal donations.
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