How can I help a hurting child is a question as adults we ask ourselves at times when we feel so helpless in supporting and easing the emotional pain of the children?
Children experience so many losses in their lives that impact them with a grief response. “Change, Loss, Grief” It could be a move, a pet loss, a new sibling, a broken home, physical loss of a parent or grandparent, peer, beginning school and now the change and losses caused by Covid-19.
It is reported in an article from “Kids Hospital,” Toronto that the stats for mental health during the first wave of Covid-19 February 2020 being 70% worse in children 2-18. Social isolation and lack of social interaction seemed to be the lead cause for the decrease in mental wellness. Children experienced more loneliness, sleeplessness, worrying, overall sadness, feeling overwhelmed and irritable.
Adults seem to think because children are born resilient, they remain that way. Resilience is like a shoot coming out of the ground, fragile and tender, easily broken or damaged and harder to regain.
Our role as adults is to nurture the resilience in children by encouragement, protection, positive guidance and understanding. Adults need to “seek to understand” not just presuming an understanding. Listen with open understanding.
Some of the following guidelines of “children’s grief development” may help you to be that support. Found at - www.childgrief.org
1-2 Years
ConceptsNo real understanding of death but aware of changes in routine and family emotions.
Difficult Emotions: Anxiety, fear of abandonment, missing sound and smell of loved one.
Behaviors: Crying, sickly, rocking, throwing, sucking, biting and sleeplessness.
Help: Cuddling, reassuring, maintain routine, meet immediate physical needs, be gentle.
3-5 Years
Concepts: No understanding of the permanency of death, understands the biological but sees as reversible, concern if the other care giver dies and often fantasy of worse than reality.
Behaviors: Regressive behaviours, repeating asking questions, plays out scenes of death, interested in dead things, intense dreams, physical complaints, crying and fighting.
Help: Allow child to regress, give physical contact, allow safe ways to express feelings, simple and truthful answers, let the child cry, maintain structure and routine.
6-9 Years
Beliefs: Understands death if final, think that thoughts or actions caused the death, death is a punishment, forming spiritual concepts, who will care for me if caregiver dies, life milestones,(marriage, graduation , etc.)
Emotions: Sad, anger, withdrawn , lonely, anxious, irritable guilty , confusion and fear.
Behaviors: Regressive , specific questions looking for details, hides feelings, sleep disturbances, concentration difficulties , decline or improved grades, aggressive acting out, protective of surviving loved one.
Help: Physical contact, allow time to regress, watch for confusion, expressing feelings with physical outlets, encourage music reading acting sports, let child decide how to be involved in the mourning, find peer support.
9-12 Years
Beliefs: Understands the finality of death, thinking words , thoughts or actions caused the death, thinking of life’s milestones (graduation, weddings,etc.) death awareness (death may happen again), what if caregiver dies, formulating spiritual concepts.
Emotions: Emotional turmoil heightened by physical changes, shock, anger, lonely , angry, fear worried, isolating, abandoned, anxious.
Behaviors: fluctuating moods, hide feelings, aggressive, acts like death never happened, withdrawal, concentration difficulties, grades change, talk of physical aspects of illness or death.
Help: Allow regressive behaviour and offer comfort, expect mood swings, encourage expression of feelings with arts or sports, be available to listen and talk, answer questions truthfully, find peer support, offer hugs.
12 Years and Up
Beliefs: Understanding the finality of death, denial, their thoughts , words , actions caused death, think of milestone, awareness that death may happen again, aware they may die, need for control of feelings, conflict around desire of independence and dependence, may utilize spiritual concepts.
Emotions: Conscious of being different due to grief, all of the above feelings of shock to anxious.
Behaviors: regressive, mood swings, act out, role confusion, aggressive acting out, nightmares, concentration difficulties, impulsive and high risk behaviour, change in peers, change in eating patterns, fighting, screaming , arguing.
Help: allow regressive behavior and comfort, expect mood swings, encourage expression of feelings through arts or sport, be available to listen and talk, support relationship with understanding adults, share your grief, find peer support group and allow choices in death and mourning.
Walking Through Grief Society will again be offering Hope After Loss- Audra’s Legacy, a 10-week children grief support group for ages 6-16 years. Registrations are now being taken and program will begin Sept. 28, 2021. For more information contact- Shirley at 780-846-2576, 780-871-1750 © or Gayle at 780-808-1645.
Submitted by : Walking Through Grief Society-780-846-2576 or 780-871-1750
Supported by : FCSS City of Lloydminster, Towns of Vermilion and Wainwright, Villages of Kitscoty and Marwayne and County of Vermilion.