June is the month that we honor and remember fathers. A father has a great responsibility in the role modelling of the Man image. They are teacher, provider, fixer and need to be both strong and yet kind and compassionate and a good listener. In their strength, they are a safe place, not a place of fear or harshness. They are to be a balance of strength/gentleness and teacher/learner and fixer yet know their own limits. This is a big role to fill and some fathers will be remembered for being a positive role model while others will be remembered for more of a harsh presence. In June, there can be an opportunity to reflect on the positive good memories but also a time to deal with the negative relationships that are still causing mental anguish. Often the stuffed down emotions are the cause of grief, pain, hurt and anger, which can continue to have effects generation after generation. Giving these emotion a “name” and a space for reflection can help with addressing these effects. An additional step can be finding a safe person to share your experiences. A family member friend, or trusted other may support you in being honest about what you are feeling and where these feelings are harbored. Emotions such as disappointment, fear, rejection, abandonment, isolation and more are the fuel that fires your Volcano. So perhaps this is the “Father’s Day” to move forward, empty the stuffed bag and release, and maybe even to forgive so you can know freedom.
If you seek to honor your father during a period of grief, this can also pose questions about how to address the inevitable emotion. When the world is turned upside down and inside out the strongest of men can be shaken by the death of a parent, child, spouse, family member, friend or a relationship that ceases and is broken. When we feel like our dreams have also died, there is the thought of what the future might have been or what the past could have been. When losses are experienced one is left vulnerable and naked, so to speak. If you are grieving the loss of your father during this Father’s Day, you may wonder how can strength be modeled in the midst of such loss and pain.
The myth in society is that big boys don’t cry and tough it out. That is an impossible demand when one’s heart is broken.
It is known there are different grieving patterns between man and woman and many factors that affect how one grieves. Take heart, there is no one way to grieve nor is there a right or wrong way or specific time to be over grieving. There are good coping skills one can learn so that there is no need to stay stuck on the grief journey.
Never be afraid to reach out and learn some skills to help heal and become healthy and whole again. Don’t stuff your emotions but find a healthy way to work through your grief, there is strength is what you may believe appears weakness.
· Find understanding friends, read, and seek out a counsellor or support group.
· Refrain from self medicating with substances for it only delays the grief process. A process that will need to be dealt with, sometimes years later.
· Find some routine in the out of control world.
· Your loss and grief is unique and cannot be compared to anyone else’s ( your personality, other loses, coping mechanisms, age , attitude social supports , and the acceptance of the myth of expectations that MAN is strong and without emotions)
· Commit to doing “grief work”
Is grief work hard? Yes, it’s the hardest work you will ever do but it is worth it to become healthy and whole, and role model all aspects of what it means to be a man and father.
Submitted by Shirley Scott/Walking Through Grief Society 780-846-2576. /c 780-871-1750
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