Grief is a process that takes many different paths. While grief can be very different from person to person, there are some commonalities as people process grief throughout the lifespan.
Understanding common grief reactions by developmental age can increase our ability to support individuals at each stage of life.
The Dougy Center (The National Grief Center for Children & Families) located in Portland, Oregon, is a valuable resource for understanding the developmental grief responses that are common for ages 0-18. In the Dougy Center’s “Developmental Responses to Grief” resource, it highlights some of the following grief responses for several age categories:
Ages 2-4: Death is not understood as permanent and universal for children this age. At
this stage, children express themselves through play and observable behaviour. Some
of the common grief responses can be crying, changes in sleep, clinginess, irritability,
and temper tantrums. Support children in this age group by providing simple
explanations of death that use the words “dead” and “died” and be honest in answers to
any questions they may have and to keep children’s routines as consistent as possible.
Ages 5-8: Children have magical and fantasy thoughts at this age. This makes the
concept of death feel like it is reversible. Children also may feel like the have caused the
death and are responsible. Common grief responses may include disruptions to sleep,
asking a lot of questions, nightmares, and concerns about safety. To help children in this
age category, be prepared for repetitive questions and to use concrete language to
respond, including the words “dead” and “died.”
Ages 9-12: Children in this category are gradually becoming more abstract thinkers and
can think about the concepts of grief and death in more depth. Common grief responses
may include acting out, worrying other bad things will happen, and having physical
complaints. Children in this age group can benefit from outlets to express their emotions,
such as talking, participating in art, writing, and enjoying physical activity.
Ages 13-18: Teens understand that death is permanent and may begin to ask questions
about the meaning of life. It is common for teens to withdraw from others throughout
their grieving process and participate in risky behaviour. It can be helpful to continue to
set consistent expectations, allow for expression of emotions, and reinforce safety.
The full Dougy Centre resource can be accessed here: https://www.dougy.org/resource-articles/developmental-grief-responses
For adults, there is a better understanding about the permanency of death. Like teens, adults may take death as a reason to ask questions about the meaning of life. These questions often become more pronounced as we age and can differ from early adulthood, mid-adulthood, and late adulthood. Support for adults should be centered around compassionate care and understanding that everyone’s grief journey is unique.
Submitted by: Walking Through Grief Society
Funded by FCSS; City of Lloydminster, Towns of Vermilion and Wainwright, Village of Kitscoty, and County of Vermilion River.
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